(via :: K a t e y ::)
I for one am happy to see the back of 2009. Heck, I’m glad to see the end of the 2000s (and yes, I am aware that pedants would argue that the new decade starts on 1 January 2011 but to them I say bah). 2000 started promisingly enough (you know, after Y2K didn’t mark the beginning of a new dystopian age where disputes were settled in the Thunderdome), but in terms of politics, global relations, the environment, pop culture, economics, and the movement for equality, it has been a pretty dire couple of years. Plus, I’m glad to see an end to discussions of the ‘noughties,’ a term that always seemed weirdly coy and which I refuse to use, because saying the word makes me feel like dry heaving.
On an intellectual level I know that it’s naive and simplistic to assume that a new year or a new decade automatically means that things will change, but on the symbolic level, I do feel like a change in the calendar marks at least the possibility of a ‘fresh start,’ the chance for new paths to be forged, for new initiatives to be pursued, for mistakes to be put to bed. It is thus no surprise that I’m a believer in New Year’s Resolutions, in making lists, setting goals, and trying to turn over a new leaf. Like most people my resolutions quickly fall by the wayside, but I like the ritual of sitting down and pretending that I could, through just a bit of effort, be a ‘better’ me.
Sadly, however, most of my resolutions are fairly pedestrian. Exercise more, read more novels, be more organized, save money, volunteer, travel somewhere new, try not to obsess over things. Blah blah blah, even I’m bored. Thus, I have decided to come up with a list of ‘Fake Resolutions,’ things which, for a variety of reasons, I would never do, but which would make me into a completely new type of gal.
1) Stop smoking cigarettes and start smoking cigars. For additional awesomeness, learn how to blow elaborate smoke rings.
2) Forget about general exercising and health and focus all my efforts on developing immense arm muscles. Cut the sleeves off all my t-shirts so as to more effectively show off my arms. Learn how to make my muscles pop and quiver and start telling people I have two tickets to the gun show. Go out of my way to demonstrate how strong my arms are – possibly by allowing children to hang off them.
3) Abandon my ‘uniform’ of t-shirt and jeans or blouse and pants and start dressing in costume. This could sometimes be themed (e.g. when we have the week on the 1920s, wear a zoot suit), and then on non-teaching days I could simply extend the principles of costumery into everyday life. When I was 16 I used to have an outfit that I wore to parties which made me look like a skinny female version of ‘The Man From Another Place‘:
It was fantastic. This resolution requires that I get back in touch with that vibe. You know, view life as performance, clothes as costume, attire as a form of play. Perhaps I might wear a tail.
4) Attempt to be hip and relevant. Assume that ‘the youth of today’ are heavily invested in internet memes. Pepper speech with abbreviations and out-of-date slang – lol, bff, wtf, k thx bye, O RLY?, h8ers, teh Interwebs, pwned. Use lolspeak on PowerPoint slides. Say ‘yo’ a lot. Possibly refer to fellow staff and/or students as my peeps. Wear a Three Wolf Moon Shirt.
5) Abandon therapy and mindfulness. Instead, learn how to shoot a gun and start going to the gun range. Although Betty Draper is only firing a BB gun, you have to admit, she looks serene:
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